Centaur Control

Monster Mashers Inc. is uniquely positioned to settle centaur-human disputes expediently and affordably. If these half-man, half-mare creatures have claimed a stake on your property, we invite you to reach out and partner with us on our monster-hunting mission.

Seeing more centaurs than you care for? Drop us a line for a swift solution.

Centaur Dispute Resolution

Centaurs are wise beings with keen instincts and a profound sense of moral duty. Adept in astrology and advanced in the healing arts, these noble beings are of a naturally peaceful nature. That being said, a centaur invasion is a rare phenomenon. Very few humans (even Doomslaughters) ever come in close contact with the North American centaur population. If you’ve found one or more centaurs roaming around your yard, the herd has most likely determined (from ancient prophecy interpretation or stargazing) that your land rightfully belongs to them.

Centaurs are deep thinkers and remarkably sharp-witted. At best, they are logical and reasonable. At worst, they are proud, stubborn, close-minded, and, when provoked, vicious. For this reason, Monster Mashers Inc. has found that the best way to eliminate a centaur problem is to speak with the chief centaur and negotiate their departure peaceably.

While unprovoked centaurs typically don’t pose an immediate threat to your safety, they can be a nuisance and, frankly, an alarming sight when mowing the grass, tending to your garden, or going about other day-to-day household activities. Monster Mashers Inc. provides a complete array of alternative dispute resolution services designed to persuade centaur herds large and small to vacate your property lines.

The Centaur Mediation Process

Through calm, collected mediation, MM Inc. will facilitate a candid conversation between you and the chief centaur. As a neutral third party, your Monster Mashers representative will identify key interests and help brainstorm a lasting, binding agreement to settle your dispute once and for all.

To build your case, we’ll need all the original (notarized copies generally won’t suffice) documents of your home sale or rental agreement as proof of ownership/tenancy. We’ll also require your original birth certificate to verify your status as a human being native to Earth. Unfortunately, these documents often don’t hold the same weight in otherworldly situations as they do in our society. If the centaurs do not accept these provisions as sufficient evidence, we may have to resort to drafting a new agreement between you and the centaur tribe.

Forging a New Agreement with Centaurs

Typically, the MM Inc. team prefers to draft legal documents on werewolf-hide scrolls (widely known as the most indestructible parchment type) and dragon-blood ink (renowned for its magical, binding properties). Finally, the chief centaur will probably insist that you sign your name in your own blood. We encourage our clients to be prepared to make a small incision on their left index finger.

After centaur and man have both signed off, the tribe will gallop away for good!

See Ya, Centaurs!

When humans and centaurs interact, conflict inevitably arises. With Monster Mashers Inc. in your corner, you can rest easy knowing that we’ll leverage our experience in mythological relations to find an equitable solution for both parties.